How to start your own bank

Ever wonder how to prepare to receive a government bailout? Start your own bank, guy. First, recruit a large group of college graduates who can't find jobs. Next, collectively and individually apply for business grants, and raise as much money as you can. You can also do this by encouraging your future business partners(fresh recruits) to ask their mommies' and daddies' for some fat dough; in fact, you better focus on college graduates that seem to have more funds, and consequently, access to funds that they otherwise wouldn't. That way you can raise your need for venture capital(cash reserves) faster. Then, rent or buy a large brick and marble interior building on the corner of any street located in a commercial zone of a high income per capita city; preferably Norfolk, Nebraska. On second thought, better just go with any city in South-Eastern Florida. That way, you can function as a state chartered bank without being a member of the Federal reserve system. Next, spend a few weeks coming up with a somewhat devious marketing campaign, a very boring name, and also, and a memo that exudes your special services, which will help the recruitment of an adequate amount of impressionable customers by enticing their interests. Some examples are, but not limited to: not holding and freezing a customer's money that he or she deposited over 24 hours ago for phenomenally mystic security reasons. Or actually giving bank members a gesture of grace once in a while by not charging them multiple overdraft fees over $30 if they happen to bounce a check, and other details that result in/overly harsh penalties. When some business entity mistakenly withdraws a fee from ones account without screened authorization, hell maybe you'll just give them a break on that one too, huh?Hahahaha. These would definitely be qualities that other banks just can't seem to come through on. Of course you would word that proposal differently on paper. Ha. The marketing will be however,the embodying heart of your actual business plan, but maybe not the main part of it, which will be, of course all the things that the state needs to hear/see, in order to approve your application. The other part of the plan would include such things as policies that will reflect how you operate your bank, and how your employees conduct business,etc. Then you can pass the inspections when the state agency comes to examine your operation. Finally get the license stuff out of the way, bribe local legislators to get their endorsement, and design the interior and exterior signs with the utmost authenticity. Use either gold, or some color scheme that screams either conservatively rugged, or sophisticated, finally buy some laser pointers at any dollar store, cheap rotating cameras, recruit attractive females to at least pretend like they bank their to entice more customers. What am I talking about? They do bank there(open them an account) Vault? Just cut the marble floors with a super sawzall, and heave the cash under the tiles that you have cut into squares in the back rooms. Then, just lock the doors, and nobody will ever suspect. Now give a bunch of people high-interest loans, and finally, wait for your bottom line to crumble before collecting a bail-out check from the Gov, instead of them simply taking your company over. Because your special, gosh darnit and your Gov loves ya.